YOU KNOW YOU'RE A HILLBILLY WHEN...
... you let your 14-year-old daughter
smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
...the Blue Book value of your
truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
...your school fight song is "Dueling
Banjos."
...your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
...your dad walks you to school
because you are both in
the same grade.
...you need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at
the House of Tattoos.
...you have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
...you had to remove a toothpick
for your wedding
pictures.
...you dated one of your parents' current spouses... in high
school.
...you've been married three times
and still have the same in-laws.
...you think a woman who is "out
of your league" bowls on a different night.
...you wonder how service stations
keep their rest-rooms so clean.
...someone in your family
died right after saying, "Hey everybody, watch this."
...you think Dom Perignon is a Mafia
leader.
...your wife's hairdo was once ruined
by a ceiling fan.
...your junior prom offered day
care.
...you think the last words of the "Star-Spangled
Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
...you lit a match in the bathroom
and your house exploded right off its axles.
...the Halloween Pumpkin on your
porch has more teeth than your spouse.
...you have to go outside to get
something from the fridge.
...one of your kids was born on
a pool table.
...you have "summer teeth"...summer here...summer there...summer missin'.
...you can't get married to your
sweetheart because there's a law against it.
...you think loading the dishwasher
means getting your wife drunk.
...you believe that, "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
...you think that the first day of deer season is a national
holiday.
...you know which leaves make good toilet paper.
...you find 90 degrees F "a little warm."
...there is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more.
...going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin wal-martin"or off
to "Wally
World".
...you describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.
...a carbonated cola soft drink is a Coke, regardless
of brand
An East Texas couple, both real-life rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the
doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after
nine children, would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had
read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North
America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them
could speak Spanish.
What Hillbillies do:
If you forget a Hillbilly's name, refer to him (or her)
as "Bubba" (or "Junior").
You have a 96% chance of being right.
If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four
wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't
try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eatin'.
There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless
it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
Get used to hearing, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya'?"
How to spot a true Hillbilly:
Only a true Hillbilly knows the difference between a "hissie"
fit and a "conniption", and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them.
Only a true Hillbilly knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas,
beans, etc. make up "a mess."
Only a true Hillbilly can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
Only true Hillbillies grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a
right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
Only a true Hillbilly both knows and understands the difference between a redneck,
a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
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